Xanga is apparently restricted on this server. Lately I've been blogging on a site I set up with Friends Lock, since the majority of what I write needs to stay hidden from my sister and Katy these days. Message me if you want my handle. Or maybe I'll start transferring some of those posts over here. I'm not sure.
I hate the fact that Erin and I aren't close anymore. I had to remove her as a Facebook friend just to stay sane. Whenever she has an issue with me, she can only approach me about it behind the anonymity of the Internet, in the form of pretentious Formspring questions or something. Maybe in the days of my old high school issues, I was too naive to hear the judgment and agenda in her voice.
So for the past month, I've been seeing someone great. We each have our fair share of issues, but everything's out on the table and we're both working to better ourselves. Lately I'm concerned that the physical intimacy is becoming greater than the emotional intimacy.
I read through a lot of his old Myspace blogs yesterday and I'm beginning to realize that the boy loves being in love and that I may just be perpetuating his pattern of wanting to be in a relationship after a year or so of recoup time. We definitely have more in common than not wanting to be single and fear of the future, but I'd be foolish to pretend that isn't an existing issue. We have vastly different relationship histories. He's a one-girl man who does these long term relationships.
Ever since getting my heart broken by a guy who had me wrapped around his finger, I had become this emotionally void fucking machine who takes everything men tell me in one ear and out the other, entering every new "relationship" with the unspoken knowledge that we're both using each other. I've known far too many women who have been stripped of their youth way too early in life by asshole men who falsely dangle the prospect of long-term commitment in front of their faces for the sake of getting their dicks wet. I held onto my V-card for a long as I possibly could, but last February, a twisted combination of depression, loneliness, and biology got the better of me. At least I knew coming in that I wasn't in love and that he wouldn't stick around.
Not entirely sure where I was going with this, but this worries me a lot and I really want things to work with Joe. Nobody is perfect, but relationship-wise he's the healthiest thing I've come across in a long time. I need all of my thoughts sorted out before I confront him. Right now I'm in a different state and this is definitely a conversation that needs to happen in person. Also, this is distracting me from something I need to do in order to get the degree I've been working on for way too long now and I need some way to acknowledge these thoughts and let them go. Maybe I can revisit this later at a more emotionally-stable moment in time. Maybe one of you has better insight on this than I do.
Back to work.
Life is strange... we are never happy
10 years ago
Posts
