good things are coming our way...

I am in such a great place right now. This semester, I'm getting a lot more involved in the different campus ministries as well as the spiritual opportunities that I have off-campus. I have to say, this is making a huge difference. With no disrespect to non-Christians intended, there is a powerful, infectious energy about Christians who are solid in their faith that just makes me want to keep questioning and striving for something higher. I feel so incredibly blessed today, thinking about some of the wonderful company I've had in the past 72 hours.

I just had a long conversation with Kim, the flute player from my Sunday music ministry team after practice. She can talk forever, but she really has her head on her shoulders. As long as I have nowhere to be, I will gladly stand out in the cold talking to her for hours on end. Obviously. =P

She's also one of the few people I know who is happily married. My parents are not a great role model as far marriage is concerned, I admit it. Honestly, the only reason they aren't divorced right now is because my mom can't afford to leave. I respect them for trying their hardest to make things work, I really do, but I definitely feel like they rushed into it because of me. Most of the marital relationships I witnessed growing up were not very good ones.

After practice today, Kim mentioned taking her girlfriend out for a pedi tomorrow and helping this girl escape the clutches of her needy husband. I commented, sarcastically, about how fun marriage sounds. Immediately, backed with so much passion and so much conviction, she tells me about how marriage really is fun if you're with the right person. How she prays that everybody finds the happiness she and her husband have, even if they aren't feeling called to marriage.

A lot of what she said reminded me of a Scrubs quote from season one. Dr. Cox was babbling on to the shrink about relationships:

"The couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else but the big difference is they don't let it take 'em down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time, if it's right, and they're real lucky. One of them will say something."

As I was listening to Kim and all of the shit she and her husband have gone through in about 15 years of marriage, it really didn't seem all that different from what my own parents have faced in about 23 years of marriage. Yet her marriage and their marriage are worlds away.

After hearing her talk and witnessing the good, the bad, and the ugly in the world of marriage, I refuse to settle for "whatever I can get."

I have no idea who actually follows this blog, and I swear I'm not whoring for comments or whatever when I say that but...if you're reading this, I absolutely love how free this rambling feels right now. Surrounding myself with a slightly different crowd makes a HUGE difference. So thank you. :)

I'd hate to bring yet another weight post, but it's on my mind a lot lately.

I actually had a great Weight Watchers week. I got my 15-pound award on Wednesday, tracked my food intake every day this week and am SO close to losing 10% of my starting weight. Literally, about half a pound. That's going to be another award. :)

Mentally, I don't feel like I've made very much progress. It bothers me when people act like all of my eating and body image issues are completely gone because I'm losing weight the healthy way this time around. I had a pseudo-flashback on Friday. It was more of a daydream as opposed to me remembering an actual event, but the scenario felt so real that I just completely broke down. I was alone, thank goodness.

The daynightmare:
I was visiting my grandparents and one of their Filipina friends. The lady told my grandparents, in Tagalog, "Ask the fat girl if she wants to eat with us." I don't speak Tagalog fluently by any stretch of the imagination, but I understood this comment just fine for whatever reason. I left the room and texted a friend, telling him to call me with a fake emergency. As soon as I had a "legitimate" excuse to leave and was out of sight, I bawled my eyes out (in flashback world and in the real world).

I've never been in that exact situation, but I could name many people off the top of my head who think of me as "the fat girl." A friend's mom once referred to me that way in her language. Another friend's dad went so far as to pinch my belly and make a snide "It will only get worse by the time you turn 25" comment. So many of my own relatives are not shy to tell me what they really think. Someone with good intentions once called me "fat hot." I don't always show it in the moment, but those remarks completely floor me. Floor me.

I guess it's a good thing that I'm healthier now, but there are still times when I look at myself and see nothing but fat. When not binging or starving takes a lot more effort than usual.

I'm scared shitless that I'll never lose that alias, no matter how much weight I lose. The fat girl.